Hello again, long time no .. blog? My life has been pretty hectic lately and to be honest, I haven't felt inspired to write anything in a while. That is, until I recently felt a huge wave of uncertainty in myself. Insecurity is something I've fought against my entire life and if I'm realistic, it's going to be with me my entire life; the only thing I can do is prevent it from taking over my life. (Easier said than done though.)
So what is insecurity?
What is insecurity? Why are so many people affected by it? In a nutshell, it's the looming feeling of self-doubt and lack of confidence. No matter what is accomplished, an empty feeling replaces any feeling of accomplishment. It's that feeling that you don't deserve to be loved and that anyone you love will leave you in the end. Going out to social events is difficult because you don't feel like you belong or that new people won't want to get to know you because you have nothing to offer.
To some, insecurity is an occasional occurrence, but for some, insecurity is inescapable and follows them every step of the way. Many things can contribute to the development of such feelings for yourself, including childhood experiences, past trauma, rejection or failure, loneliness, perfectionism, anxiety, or some combination of these.
There are three main types of insecurity:
1. Insecurity from Rejection or Failure
The experiences and events in our everyday lives play a huge part in shaping who we are and how we perceive ourselves. Around 40% of our "happiness quotient" is based on these events in our lives, things we do to lift our moods and make us feel good. But negative contributors come along just as often as the positive ones, the biggest contributors often being a breakup, death of a loved on, being let go at work, and health problems. Your happiness plays an enormous part in your self-esteem and how you carry yourself; failure and rejection tear down the platform you build for yourself. This kind of insecurity can be a vicious cycle, due to the increased sensitivity to failure that can develop the more "bad luck" is faced. For example, if you lose your job, that can trigger you to develop negative beliefs about your abilities and self-worth, chiseling away at your self-esteem.
But there are ways to overcome this type of insecurity:
- Life does not come without setbacks, give yourself time to understand how and why it happened in order to move on and adapt to the changes
- Be willing to try a new strategy or game plan to achieve your goals, perseverance is key in moving forward
- Engage in things that lift your spirits, things you may have put on the back-burner for a while or have neglected over time. Reach out to friends and family for comfort.
2. Lack of Confidence due to Social Anxiety
Humans are inherently social creatures, some more social than others. Many of us can probably relate to the awkward college party where you clutched your drink close while you scanned the room, praying for a friendly face. Or maybe you're at a family reunion and all your relatives can do is gush about your successful Harvard graduate cousin who's making bank in business while you're still grinding it out at a minimum wage job. Our lack of confidence can be painfully apparent in situations such as these and more like interviews and dates. Due to
our social nature, we're constantly preoccupied with how other perceive us and the version of ourselves that we present to the world. Due to this, it's not uncommon to find ourselves crippled with anxiety and fear of such social situations. We just want to feel like we belong, that we're interesting and important enough for people to want to be around us. There are many factors that can lead to this lack of self confidence, such as bullying in school or pressure from parents to be popular and successful. This type of insecurity is a distortion of your self worth and how critically you believe others judge you. But in reality, most people are more preoccupied on how they're coming off to others than actively judging others. Those who do judge, on the other hand, could often be doing so just to cover up their own insecurities and their criticisms can be skewed to be more superficial than genuine and profound.
Ways to Prevent Social Insecurity:
- Have a talk with your inner critic: reevaluate your own criticisms of yourself and remind yourself of the good qualities that you have that make you a good friend or partner.
- Avoiding social situations can actually exacerbate the problem: even if you're nervous, putting off these experiences will prevent any progress. Start small, bring a friend, engage with others, and step out of your comfort zone. Set realistic goals like talking to one or two new people and learn about them.
- Divert your intense internal focus and project it outward, focus on others and what's around you. What can you notice about them and are there any skills or experiences you can learn from them?
3. Perfectionism Driven Insecurity
Some of us hold ourselves up to to high standards, always striving for the highest marks in class, the highest paying jobs, the perfect partner, the most beautiful home, or the perfect body. But no matter how hard we try or how much time we put into achieving our own high expectations, realistically, it can be impossible to achieve. There's always something more that we want, more than we could do, more that we can achieve. After a certain point, there's only so much we can control and beyond that, the outcome is out of our hands. Promotions might be difficult due to a critical boss, partners may be incompatible, and genetics can dictate that being stick skinny just isn't going to happen. If you hold yourself to unrealistically high goals, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. (Not to say that setting and striving towards goals is a bad thing, just be more realistic). Setting out to achieve the "impossible" may lead to dissatisfaction and you may end up blaming yourself for lacking and being unworthy of accomplishment. Beating yourself up for failing and worrying about being inadequate can lead to depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and eating disorders.
Combating Perfectionism:
- It's about the journey you take and not necessarily the outcome. Even if you don't accomplish your goal, look back at what you did right and how you can build upon that. There are some things that are out of your control so don't criticize yourself for external factors.
- Perfectionism is often seen as an all or nothing phenomena, which can be too staunchly black and white. Try to think of the grey area; think of other ways to view the situation. Even if the result wasn't perfect, there are still accomplishments along the path towards that intended goal.
- Conditional self-esteem causes perfectionists to like themselves when they're on top and dislike themselves otherwise. Learn ways to love and appreciate yourself even when you're not doing well. Focus on yourself and the quality of your character and values instead of more superficial numbers like grades, salary, or social status.
Self Reflection
I've struggled with insecurity for as long as I can remember and it still controls my life to this day. I find myself constantly seeking the acceptance of others and craving the security of feeling like I'm needed and that I belong. It has dictated so many of my decisions and
actions in the past, present, and no doubt in the future as well. It's been such an uphill battle that has more often than not left me a torn up wreck of self-loathing and disappointment. I know I've listed a description of the main types of insecurities and how to deal with them, and although I have not been fully able to tackle my insecurities, I hope that this breakdown will be beneficial to myself and others who may read this post.
Who knows, I may never win this battle against insecurity. It may follow me to my grave, but I've accepted it as a part of who I am and will dedicate myself to learning to live with my insecurities and prevent it from keeping me from achieving my goals.
Take it easy ~
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